'Nice to meet you. My kid is gay': When dads turn 'support' into an identity

This situation has happened to me twice in recent months. I meet a guy around my age (50s, 60s). We talk and find we have things in common. I’m excited to possibly make a new friend.In both cases, there was no political discussion. I didn’t say anything about politics. And they didn’t either, which was a welcome relief.These guys should be playing golf and awaiting grandchildren, not defending trans activism or walking in Pride parades.In both situations, the subject of children eventually came up. I don’t have any. They both did.That’s when things got tricky. One of them announced he had a gay daughter. And the other informed me that he had a trans son.Supporting the supportersIn both cases, I nodded my head when they told me this, as if their children's sexuality were a normal thing to bring up, which it is, in my progressive coastal city.I also saw, in both cases, that these fathers were genuinely supportive of their gay or trans kid. Of course they were. It’s their kids!I nodded along with them, showing that I was supportive of their kids, too, and that I supported them for supporting their kids.At the same time, I know from experience that these situations are often more complicated than they appear. Like, are their kids actually gay or trans? Or are they just thinking about it? Or talking about it? Or experimenting with it?Whenever I hear a parent say his high school or college-age kid is gay or trans, I think to myself: Let's see what the kid tells you in a year or two.The truth is that it has become almost mandatory for even the most well-adjusted young people to question their sexual preference and gender identity.They’ve been receiving this messaging for decades now. Their schools, their teachers, and the entire society have told them: “Being gay is great. Being trans is awesome. Why not consider becoming one of those yourself? You might like it. You might discover it’s your true nature.”But is that accurate? Most people turn out to be heterosexual. So why are our schools and educators so eager to get young people going off in all these different directions?Why are these people involved in any aspect of a young person’s sexuality?Forced participationAnother thing I notice: Nobody talks about the toll these situations take on the parents. Having a trans or gay child can be quite a lot to deal with.It forces parents to concede — at least implicitly — that all this sexual identity talk is a good idea. In effect, it turns them into progressive Democrats.Also, it’s a lot of stress. Older people didn’t have to navigate sexual identity when they were young. They don’t have any experience with these situations. Most of them just got married and had kids. And some of them didn’t.But there wasn’t an entire culture war built up around what choices people made. You were free to do whatever. This was America.RELATED: The return of Drag Queen Story Hour? Irfan Khan/Getty ImagesGay until graduationAll of this reminds me of a close friend whose only child (a son) came out to her as gay while he was in high school.Naturally, she supported him. Though at one point she privately said to me, with a sigh, “I guess I’ll never hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”But then, two years later, the son decided he wasn’t gay after all. So all that anguish was in vain.But then, another year later, the son started dating a trans person!All of this was quite confusing and difficult for my friend. But of course, she couldn’t say anything or even commiserate with her friends, lest she be labeled a bigot.Let’s just (not) be friendsIt seems unlikely that I’ll ever hang out with either of these two guys I met. They have too much on their plates. And because of their children, they now have a stake in the sexual identity debates.And this during a time when they were supposed to be letting go of their children. These were supposed to be their “empty nest” years.They did their duty. They raised good kids. In both of these cases, the parents had put them through college.These guys should be playing golf and awaiting grandchildren, not defending trans activism or walking in Pride parades.But fathers love their children. So naturally, they want to help. They’ll do anything they can for their kids.Grumpier old menIt used to be that older men were expected to become grouchy and conservative in their old age. But even that natural evolution has been subverted.Now their lives are affected by LGBTQ politics almost as much as their children's — which, I suspect, is exactly how the LGBTQ crowds like it. Anything that disrupts traditional families is all right by them.