Watch Out For Those Fees

I’ve always begged off, mostly because a column is work, but also because I’m the most easily pleased eater of all time. I’d have to call my column Portions because I would rate every eatery based on how much food was piled on my plate. (This post could also be Exhibit A of why putting me on the food desk is a dumbass idea.) But I’m also the cheapest mofo who ever lived, so were there such a column, a Portions ethos would be: “It ain’t the deal you get, it’s the deal you think you get.” And making you feel like you got your money’s worth is not a science, it’s an art. My lunch last week was artless as hell. And relentless. Death by a thousand gouges.